I was sitting in my office and one of the 50 or so females I work with brought in her 17 year old kid in my office because he liked computers. I am like what the fuck bitch, I got shit to do (I didn’t have shit to do, but you should always say that, makes you look important.) Anyways, I couldn’t believe how dumb this kid was.
Me: You like computers?
Him: yea, i wanna major in like computer science.
Me: Fuck computers… before your dumb ass graduates from High School, let me give you a few pointers about something called LIFE.
If you are a parent, teach your kids what I am about to tell you. If you’re a high school student, this is the list for you before you begin your college life. If you’re a college student, it’s not too late… You’re not a loser anymore, you’re in college now. You’re a man, now, act like one.
So, here we go, I am about to teach you the ABCs of your young adult life… take notes, bitch.
Only Idiots Use Myspace: If your way communicating with girls is through myspace, you need some real fucking help. You should not pick up bitches on myspace… only losers do that. Fuck myspace, as a matter of fact, fuck all the internet girls. I have a rule for dating: before I introduce myself to a girl, I ask her: “do you use myspace?” If she says yes, I have no interest in talking to her. I wouldn’t mind boning her, but that’s about as deep as I would go, if you know what I mean. If your girlfriend uses myspace, buy her a pancake at IHOP in the morning and dumb that bitch.
99 Problems, But A Bitch Ain’t One: Do not get a girlfriend in college. Only losers have girlfriends in college. Why buy a car when you can lease? Wear those tires out and when you’re done, you get a new one. You’re too young for this shit. Your goal in college should be to score more chicks per semester than the number of units you take.
Spending Money On Bitches: Do not, I said DO NOT spend money on girls. First drink on you, second drink she can buy it on her own. Her pussy ain’t gold plated, don’t waste too much time / money on her. The thing to remember is, there’s plenty more!
Chatting Is Ghey: Another question I ask before conversing is “do you chat / sms a lot?”. Before she can finish saying yes, I’ll be on to the next bitch. Chatting and text messaging is gay. If it tickles your pickle, good for you… but if you want to become a real man, no chatting, no texting, no hehe, no lol. Fucking pussies.
Alcohol and Cigarettes Don’t Make You Smart: Both alcohol and cigs are fucking lame. They are pure way to waste money. It doesn’t make you cooler, it doesn’t make you any smarter. If the bitch smokes, kick her ass to the curb. You don’t want to be associated with that shit. “But TG, what about ‘if she smokes, she pokes.’” My friend, trust me… and take it from a guy who knows it all, you don’t want to get anywhere near that burned snatch.
Spot Girls That Are Easy: This is a very important skills. You should not waste more than one hour with a chick just talking to her. If you don’t think anything is going to happen, move on! It’s like the Stumble Upon button, NEXT! Practice this skill often, at a professional level you should be able to spot easy chicks in less than 30 seconds.
Tattos & Piercing Are Lame: I don’t poke girls with tattoos. If she’s into ruining her body, then so be it. Usually these are the same bitches who also smoke. If it’s a little butterfly right in the center of her back above her ass, I’ll make an exception, but otherwise NO! Too much body piercing is lame. Don’t get any piercing if you’re a guy and don’t poke any bitches that have shitty piercing (belly, nipple, pussy, tongue, etc.)
Don’t Do Drugs: Drugs don’t make you cool. If you’re depressed, go outside and make some friends instead of playing video games and listening to shitty music. The world has plenty to offer you, don’t fucking ruin your life by taking drugs. “But TG, what about weed?” Yes, smoking excessive amount of weed is lame.
Education Is Important: If these fucking idiots spent half of time they waste in girls and chatting and spend that time on studying, world would be a much better place. Get a degree, do something with your life. Stop falling in love at young ages, you morons.
Save Money: I can’t emphasis this enough to the young idiots. Don’t waste your money on everything I described above… bitches, alcohol, drugs, girls, bitches, etc. Save your money, don’t get in debt… get a fucking job and don’t borrow from anyone. Grow up, you’re an adult now.
Any high school that wants me to give a motivational speech to your students about the content above, get in touch.