Working in an office is like working in a battle, you need to be surrounded by strong people in order to survive. You want to become a General some day, you want people to salute you and by knowing the right people, you can get there. There are five kind of people you should never mess with: The Janitor, The HR Bitch Lady, The Tech Asshole Guy, The Rumor Bitch Lady, and The Mailman.
The Janitor
Just because he cleans floors doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what’s going on. Remember, these people are here before you get here and they are here after you leave. They know what’s in your trash, they know what’s on your table. These are very good people to make friends with, they can ruin your life or they can save your life, it works both ways. If you ever need something from someone’s desk or their trash, Janitors will come in really handy. They can get a hold of anything, that’s why stay good friends with them.
The HR Bitch Lady
Who doesn’t want to hear how much everyone makes in the office? Who doesn’t want to hear people getting in trouble for sexual harassments and other things? HR people have 411 on everything and everyone. Find some excuse and take her to lunch someday, and just sit back and she’ll let everything out. HR people can save your ass from getting fired, too. If you were good friends with them, they will try their best to help you save your reputation.
The Tech Asshole Guy
Tech guys, NEVER mess with them. They know what websites you go to, they know who you chat with, they know who you write emails to, they know what you buy online. If they ever wanted to fuck you up, it wouldn’t be that hard. They can ruin your life by telling the entire internet about what kind of goat fetish you have. So, don’t even think about giving us attitude. Rather, make friends with us and ALWAYS be nice to us.
The Rumor Bitch Lady
Ah, yes, we all have a rumor lady in our offices. All her sentences begin with, “Just between you and I […]”, “Please don’t tell this to anyone […]”. Make friends with her for two reasons. First, if you’re friends with her and nice to her, she’ll most likely think twice before starting any rumors about you. Second, if you ever needed rumors to be spread, just tell her… “hey, please don’t tell this to anyone *wink* […]” and just wait, the rumor will be spread like a virus.
The Mailman
Can you imagine NOT being friends with the mailman? Shit, this guy has access to everything. He can find out how much you make, what kind of medical conditions you have, where you shop. EVERY FUCKING THING, he knows it. If you’re good to him, he’ll be good to you. He can also save your ass in many ways. Bow down to the mailman.
The lesson to be learned here is, these five people are fucking important. Don’t ever mess with them, unless you plan on fucking up your career.