TG: Hey shithead why do you want to be president?
Rudy G: Umm… because… ummm… remember 9/11.. yeah!

TG: OK… So, the economy is fucked up. What do we do?
Rudy G: Well… during 9/11, when the terro…

TG: I don’t give a fuck about 9/11 now, dipshit. Joe Black needs money for the reefer and Jane Mexican needs to feed her 21 kids!!! What are you going to do?
Rudy G: Reefer is good! On 9/11….

TG: OK. Never mind. I bet you didn’t know your sister was giving me a blowjob on 9/11 too…

So let’s get to the point.

Why NOT to vote for RUDY “Douche Bag” Giuliani

1. He’s a fucking Republican, need more be said? This should be enough to end the fucking list. Hasn’t the monkey in the office fucked the country’s asshole enough?
2. Married his cousin. You fucking sick fucker!!
3. Cheated on his wife. OK this cool, way to go… a bitch is a bitch.
4. Fear Monger… With all these fucking idiots that I see everyday around me, the last thing I need is an asswipe, like you, making them shit their pants when they go to 7-11.
5. Was the mayor of New York. I’m not a fucking idiot. I know you were the fucking mayor asshole. I don’t need you constantly reminding me.
6. Has only campaigned in Florida. WTF!?!? This pisses me off. His whole campaign is a sham that is banking on the stupidity of the old gringo, stale finger, can’t punch a fucking ballot card, diaper wearing electorate. Let’s just give this fucking state to Cuba; they got enough of those fuckers there anyway.

Verdict: I say, FUCK BILLARY and Mr. 911.

Apple MacBook Air

Ooooh, now you’ve done it, Steve. I still don’t get why morons by shit that don’t have replaceable batteries. First iPods, then iPhones and now this shit. I saw his keynote and it seriously sounded like he was selling a 12″ pink dildo to his fan boys. It’s great from a company’s perspective that you’ve created this Mac-fan-boy cult, but in reality your products are shitty, and only morons by them. Your new product, MacBook Air? What the fuck is that? I can’t remember last time I paid $1,700 to surf the internet. But hey, I am not a moron… maybe that’s why I don’t understand Macs-fagfan-boys.

Hillary

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: HILLARY IS A STUPID BITCH. I always wanted to say it in all caps, but never did. Bill is such a pussy… how can he let a woman use him that way. There’s two reasons why a woman would still stay with her man after he gets a head from another woman: 1. She’s desperate, and he’s fucking rich (Kobe Bryant, remember?) and 2. She’s desperate, because without him, she’s nobody. (Billy Boy.) Sometimes, I can’t figure out which one’s the bitch, Bill or Hillary. Seriously, you morons, don’t vote for her. It’s mostly women that vote for her, now you see why they didn’t allow you to vote in the beginning.

Cloverfield

So, I am in the theater, ready to watch this over hyped fucking movie. There’s this guy in front of me texting somebody, you can imagine the bright light from the cellphone in middle of a dark movie. I swear I could have choked the fucker from behind. But instead I took a popcorn out of a girl next to me, and threw it on his head… one by one. I said, “oh I am sorry, does that bother you? THEN STOP FUCKING WITH YOUR CELLPHONE!!!”

But yea… back to the movie, it fucking blew. The monster was there for 8.3 seconds and rest of the time I was too busy looking at the cleavage of the girl that I went to see the movie with. This movie has the most ridiculously stupid script ever… not a single f word was used. Are you kidding me? A giant fucking monster is 10 feet away from you and you say, “Oh my god?” There was another scene where this bitch asks, “do you know what it [the monster] is?” and the token black guy says, “no”. Brilliant.

Cellphone Bluetooth

All right, I am fucking tired of these assholes with that bluetooth shit in their ears. Are you that fucking busy that you need that shit hanging in your ears every second? Next time I see a guy wearing that shit, I am going to take that bluetooth shit and shove it deep into his throat, motherfucker.

Crosswalk Volunteers at School

You know who I am talking about… those ugly fat old ladies at the crosswalk holding the STOP sign. What the hell is that about? Is that supposed to prevent accidents? If someone is about to run into somebody, do you really think that fat lady is going to prevent the inevitable? I see no point of those people. If you really want to volunteer, help them read after school. We need to raise smarter kids, too many stupid fucking people are procreating… but that’s another topic for some other day.

Before you consider tying that knot, let me assist you on why should reconsider it.

One Reason To Get Married

1. Sex - Now, it’s true sometimes that guys don’t get it every day when they are married, but you’ll definitely get more than you used to when you were single. One benefit to get married is, you don’t have to get her drunk as often. Savings money on the alcohol.

Ten Reasons NOT To Get Married

1. Onegina Disease - When you sign that legal paper of marriage, you receive a deadly disease called onegina. With that signature you just signed for one vagina for the rest of your life. I strongly advice you to not get this disease.
2. Vaginamoney - You pay something called vagina-money from the day you get married. Just because she has one, you have to pay for rent, utilities, food, ect. Once you get divorced, you’ll have to pay her for not being with you! You gotta fucking love it, the power of having a vagina. At my work, this bitch brought in a brand new BMW. Most people asked her, “oh how much is it?” I asked her “what does your man do?”, she got all offended, but later I found out her boyfriend bought it for her because he didn’t want the baby. Great move, he didn’t want to pay for 18 years for a 18 seconds of mistake.
3. Kids - Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. As long as THEY ARE NOT MINE!!!! End of the story.
4. Social Life Decline - Once you tie the knot, say good bye to your friends… no guys night, no more throwing dead presidents at strippers.
5. Life Gets Boring - *yawn* wife, kids, work… you’re fucking done. DONE!!!! No more staying out late, no more excitement, you just follow a same fucking pattern every fucking day. Go to work, say hi to your kids, fuck your wife (if you’re lucky), go to sleep and repeat.
6. She Takes Half of Your Money - You read that right! When she’s with you, she’ll spend half of your money and when you divorce, she’ll take half of it just because you left her!!! Where do I sign up!!!! Fuck.
7. Me Love You Not Long Enough - You love her today, but what about tomorrow? What about the day after? Chances of you loving somebody forever are very less. Unless you are a very understanding person or a desperate wimp, you’ll both fight until you kill each other.
8. Domination Issues - I don’t know about your pussy ass, but I like things my way. When you get married, you no longer own things. “We” own it. Every sentence that used to begin with “I” will now begin with “we”. The couch is no longer yours, my friend. Think about that!
9. Cleanness - Everything has to be “clean and fresh.” Shave every morning. Just woke up? Make your fucking bed. Just ate? Wash your fucking dishes. Just took a piss? Put down the seat and make sure no drops are on the seat. If you think you’re getting a wife that’ll do all this for you… GOOD LUCK!!! Might as well get a maid. They seem to get the job done.
10. Your opinions are trash - When you’re married, your opinion are no longer the best opinions. You have a new boss now. New rules. New orders. Follow them or the legs won’t spread… which is why you’ll have to agree to everything your master says. In a man’s world, we call it your balls getting chopped off.

That’s why I say, lease a car, don’t buy it… that way you can return it when you’re done with it. Everybody wants to roll in a Ferrari, but until you can afford it… drive your shitty Honda Civic and drive it good until the mileage runs out. Don’t get married, dumbass!!! If you’re worried about reproduction, don’t worry, the world will never run of stupid people. Stupid people will continue to reproduce.

So, stand up programmers.. and let us commence the new year with a fucking strike! January 1st, 2008 is the day when we all go on strike, and give our company the finger! Let’s declare a strike!

Our Demands

We have very straight forward demands. You WILL comply with everything we propose.

• 20% of all revenue will be divided equally to all programmers. You can include that in your expense in addition to our salaries.
• Our year end bonus will be 40% of all profits made, again divided equally.
• Stop treating us like we’re your dogs. We no longer will get the ball for you.
• Every quarter, provide us a prostitute of our choice. AND every month, a Thai massage with a happy ending, if you know what I mean. Mmmm, me love you long time.

That should be doable. Until our software companies come to an agreement, we shall strike! A little note to the software companies, don’t even think about outsourcing it to India… they are all members of PGI (Programmers Guild of India), and PGI is a part of PGA (Progrmmers Guild of America).

The Consequences

Listen you filthy software companies, if we don’t come to an agreement… here’s a small glimpse of what would happen:

• The earth would stop spinning. I am fucking serious! Try living without a computer for a day, you’ll know what I mean. We’ll crash your freaking hard drive before we go on strike!
• Your email doesn’t work? Go fuck yourself.
• There’s a bug in the software? Go fix it yourself, let’s see how capable you are at this stuff. Let’s put your 20 years of cock sucking skills to work.

Update 1: “speak for yourself there buddy i know many girls” Oh, really asshole… how many do you know whose name doesn’t end with “.jpg”? Huh buddy huh? “Buddy”… pfft fucking loser.
Update 2: God, you morons… this is a joke. Now, stop emailing me. Fuck.

Me: You like computers?
Him: yea, i wanna major in like computer science.
Me: Fuck computers… before your dumb ass graduates from High School, let me give you a few pointers about something called LIFE.

If you are a parent, teach your kids what I am about to tell you. If you’re a high school student, this is the list for you before you begin your college life. If you’re a college student, it’s not too late… You’re not a loser anymore, you’re in college now. You’re a man, now, act like one.

So, here we go, I am about to teach you the ABCs of your young adult life… take notes, bitch.

Only Idiots Use Myspace: If your way communicating with girls is through myspace, you need some real fucking help. You should not pick up bitches on myspace… only losers do that. Fuck myspace, as a matter of fact, fuck all the internet girls. I have a rule for dating: before I introduce myself to a girl, I ask her: “do you use myspace?” If she says yes, I have no interest in talking to her. I wouldn’t mind boning her, but that’s about as deep as I would go, if you know what I mean. If your girlfriend uses myspace, buy her a pancake at IHOP in the morning and dumb that bitch.

99 Problems, But A Bitch Ain’t One: Do not get a girlfriend in college. Only losers have girlfriends in college. Why buy a car when you can lease? Wear those tires out and when you’re done, you get a new one. You’re too young for this shit. Your goal in college should be to score more chicks per semester than the number of units you take.

Spending Money On Bitches: Do not, I said DO NOT spend money on girls. First drink on you, second drink she can buy it on her own. Her pussy ain’t gold plated, don’t waste too much time / money on her. The thing to remember is, there’s plenty more!

Chatting Is Ghey: Another question I ask before conversing is “do you chat / sms a lot?”. Before she can finish saying yes, I’ll be on to the next bitch. Chatting and text messaging is gay. If it tickles your pickle, good for you… but if you want to become a real man, no chatting, no texting, no hehe, no lol. Fucking pussies.

Alcohol and Cigarettes Don’t Make You Smart: Both alcohol and cigs are fucking lame. They are pure way to waste money. It doesn’t make you cooler, it doesn’t make you any smarter. If the bitch smokes, kick her ass to the curb. You don’t want to be associated with that shit. “But TG, what about ‘if she smokes, she pokes.’” My friend, trust me… and take it from a guy who knows it all, you don’t want to get anywhere near that burned snatch.

Spot Girls That Are Easy: This is a very important skills. You should not waste more than one hour with a chick just talking to her. If you don’t think anything is going to happen, move on! It’s like the Stumble Upon button, NEXT! Practice this skill often, at a professional level you should be able to spot easy chicks in less than 30 seconds.

Tattos & Piercing Are Lame: I don’t poke girls with tattoos. If she’s into ruining her body, then so be it. Usually these are the same bitches who also smoke. If it’s a little butterfly right in the center of her back above her ass, I’ll make an exception, but otherwise NO! Too much body piercing is lame. Don’t get any piercing if you’re a guy and don’t poke any bitches that have shitty piercing (belly, nipple, pussy, tongue, etc.)

Don’t Do Drugs: Drugs don’t make you cool. If you’re depressed, go outside and make some friends instead of playing video games and listening to shitty music. The world has plenty to offer you, don’t fucking ruin your life by taking drugs. “But TG, what about weed?” Yes, smoking excessive amount of weed is lame.

Education Is Important: If these fucking idiots spent half of time they waste in girls and chatting and spend that time on studying, world would be a much better place. Get a degree, do something with your life. Stop falling in love at young ages, you morons.

Save Money: I can’t emphasis this enough to the young idiots. Don’t waste your money on everything I described above… bitches, alcohol, drugs, girls, bitches, etc. Save your money, don’t get in debt… get a fucking job and don’t borrow from anyone. Grow up, you’re an adult now.

Any high school that wants me to give a motivational speech to your students about the content above, get in touch.

Executives: A suit and tie are alone to get her all warm and fuzzy. Execs have this bold look and people around them kiss their ass. More men bow down to you, deeper she’ll take it in.

Animal Related: Dogs, cats, birds, turtles… if you have an animal related profession, girls will admire you. Just look at that fucking douchebag Cesar Milan. His shtick is that he “whispers” in dog’s ears. Get the fuck outta here! If you can whisper in dog’s ear, you sure will get a lot of tail (ass, for you idiots who didn’t get it), that’s for sure.

Bouncers: Girls will let you feel their tops and bottoms all the time, just so they can get in. Imagine how much they’ll gag on your junior if you can get them VIP sitting and free drinks.

Doctors: Nurses sure know what you mean when you say, “Drop em!” Nurses are known to be the horniest of them all! I mean, look at it this way, if nobody is dying, she needs something to do!

Teachers: Need an A? Come to my office for extra credit. Teachers are a natural attraction for females. Teachers have these incredible authoritative personality that girls would love to get their hands on. Open a book, and she will cum, I mean come.

Religious Figures: If you think Priests, Rabbis, and Swamis don’t get busy with the bitches, you need to wake the fuck up! These people fuck twice as much than any other profession, cowardly hiding behind their so called religion.

Pilots: Ladies and gentlemen, the plane is now on auto-pilot… I am getting bored, anyone wanna check out my cockpit? Sky girls fly all over and only guys they actually know are pilots! Trolly dollies are known highly for their ability for a great liftoff.

Entertainers (Musicians, Comedians, Actors, Pro Athletes): If you make them laugh, if you play a guitar, if you can act, if you can throw a ball… getting laid should be easier than boiling water. Girls, for some reason, just love anything entertaining. Play few string on a guitar and next thing you know is she’ll be licking your Johnson like she’s licking an ice cream in Sahara. If you think I am wrong, the Kiss lead singer, Gene Simmons admitted having sex with over 4600 women! That’s more females than you’ll ever see in your entire life time.

Firemen: Your ability to put out fire creates more fire in woman’s body. If you can save her cat on the way, that’s a double score! Nothing gets women more aroused than you holding that big pipe and squirting all the water to put out all that fire.

Coaches: Women love a man who tells them what to do. If a woman can learn something from you, she will do ANYTHING to return the favor.

What do you see common in these? There are what’s known as the “authoritative” figures. You can’t be a fucking cubicle worker and expect to get laid. So, go out there and get laid, er I mean change your careers!

I know woman and skills don’t go in the same sentence, that’s why I am attempting to erase those stereotypes. By the end of this article, as a woman, you’ll learn your responsibilities and what is expected out of you.

#25 - Cooking Sometimes we’re more hungry than horny. Spreading your legs doesn’t always fill us up.

#24 - Cleaning Trim the lawn, keep the interior clean and make sure it always smells fresh. I was talking about your body, but also apply those skills to my house.

#23 - Laundry There’s a pile of clothes on the floor for a reason. If you see it, you should consider picking it up.

#22 - Sewing Buttons come off, clothes get teared apart. I might intentionally tear the pillow apart or rip open your buttoned shirt. Sewing will come in handy.

#21 - Ironing Yes, this is the act of pressing clothes with a heated iron. Learn it.

#20 - Manage My Calendar Manage my social calendar. I am usually busy on the day when there’s a social gathering.

#19 - Nurture The Children Nurturing includes the act of bringing up, feeding, training, and educating.

#18 - Massage I could sure use some smooth full body massage. Oh yes, step on me!

#17 - Saving Money “awww i need that purse” “awww i need those shoes”… listen, you don’t need anything. Learn to save your money. You have an asset that no man has. Let him buy you things, never buy anything with your own money. Make sure the guy’s dumb enough to buy you the stuff you need.

#16 - Google It If you don’t know, fucking Google it instead of acting all dumb and asking everyone. If Google doesn’t know the answer to your question, stop being curious.

#15 - Exercise Run until you run out of breath. There’s no excuse for not being in a good shape.

#14 - Write To A Diary “Dear Diary, you’re my best friend. You don’t talk back and you always listen.” As long as I don’t have to hear you shit, let the poor diary hear it.

#13 - Minding Your Own Business You don’t have to know EVERYTHING. Stop your turkey neck going all over and learn to mind your own business.

#12 - Self Defense HEE-YEA KA-RA-TE. Learn to throw a good kick to injure the manhood.

#11 - First Aid Putting on a bandage, giving cough medicine to kids and all that good stuff.

#10 - Gardening The plants don’t grow on their own. Learn to water them, and cut them if they are getting too wild.

#9 - Talking on the Phone By talking on the phone I don’t mean yap about shit for hours, I mean take down the message and a day later call them and tell them I can’t make it.

#8 - Open A Beer Bottle There’s nothing you can do more to impress a guy than to open a beer bottle with any of your body parts.

#7 - Looking Good for the Occasion The 20×20 bedroom has a certain dressing (or rather lack of) code, parties and gatherings have a different dressing codes. Know how to dress at someone’s kid’s birthday party.

#6 - Keeping Track of Household Items If the fridge doesn’t have any beers, don’t tell me it doesn’t have any beers… just fill it up again!!!

#5 - Learn to Paint Painting requires patience and concentration. Patience and concentration require shutting the fuck up.

#4 - Driving Without Hitting Anything This skill has to be mentioned over and over again. Cell phones, make ups, nails aren’t important when you’re driving. Is it really hard to just drive straight, I mean you can let go of the fucking steering wheel and it’ll automatically drive straight! Don’t even get me started on parallel parking.

#3 - Knowing When To Shut Up I wrote about this in one of my previous memos, know when to shut the fuck up. When I am watching TV, when I am eating, when I am talking… at these times, you should also consider stopping your broken record.

#2 - Spotting dumb guys This is very important. Anytime you want something, call your “boyfriend”. If the guy is dumb enough, he’ll buy you a car AND give you a credit card. Spotting a dumb guy isn’t hard, learn this skill and apply it to different guys at the same time.

#1 - Playing the Skin Flute Ain’t no better skill than giving a good head to your man after a hard day at work. Dinner can wait.

Women have become greedy materialistic whores. If I was around in 1900’s, world would have been a much better place.

The Janitor

Just because he cleans floors doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what’s going on. Remember, these people are here before you get here and they are here after you leave. They know what’s in your trash, they know what’s on your table. These are very good people to make friends with, they can ruin your life or they can save your life, it works both ways. If you ever need something from someone’s desk or their trash, Janitors will come in really handy. They can get a hold of anything, that’s why stay good friends with them.

The HR Bitch Lady

Who doesn’t want to hear how much everyone makes in the office? Who doesn’t want to hear people getting in trouble for sexual harassments and other things? HR people have 411 on everything and everyone. Find some excuse and take her to lunch someday, and just sit back and she’ll let everything out. HR people can save your ass from getting fired, too. If you were good friends with them, they will try their best to help you save your reputation.

The Tech Asshole Guy

Tech guys, NEVER mess with them. They know what websites you go to, they know who you chat with, they know who you write emails to, they know what you buy online. If they ever wanted to fuck you up, it wouldn’t be that hard. They can ruin your life by telling the entire internet about what kind of goat fetish you have. So, don’t even think about giving us attitude. Rather, make friends with us and ALWAYS be nice to us.

The Rumor Bitch Lady

Ah, yes, we all have a rumor lady in our offices. All her sentences begin with, “Just between you and I […]”, “Please don’t tell this to anyone […]”. Make friends with her for two reasons. First, if you’re friends with her and nice to her, she’ll most likely think twice before starting any rumors about you. Second, if you ever needed rumors to be spread, just tell her… “hey, please don’t tell this to anyone *wink* […]” and just wait, the rumor will be spread like a virus.

The Mailman

Can you imagine NOT being friends with the mailman? Shit, this guy has access to everything. He can find out how much you make, what kind of medical conditions you have, where you shop. EVERY FUCKING THING, he knows it. If you’re good to him, he’ll be good to you. He can also save your ass in many ways. Bow down to the mailman.

The lesson to be learned here is, these five people are fucking important. Don’t ever mess with them, unless you plan on fucking up your career.

The Bathroom

I am not interested in your bitching about your lame life while I am taking a piss. Don’t you always have these losers coming up to you and saying, “Man, I hate my job, my boss just asked me to do [insert some shit].” You know what, you’ll never like your job, because that’s what kind of a person you are. You’ll fucking bitch about everything for rest of your life. There’s only two ways to solve your problem, one is to quit your job, and the other is to shoot yourself (and please do it right, I don’t want to hear “suicide attempt”). Pick the latter, because then you’ll do all of us a favor, one less loser to walk on this fucking earth.

I think everyone should learn the “Male Restroom Etiquettes”:

The Elevator

Here’s another one: the elevator. Why the fuck do people have the tendency to talk in the elevator? Can’t you shut the fuck for just ONE MINUTE? It’s usually a bitch female who’s doing the talking. Also, have you noticed… When there’s a hot chick in the elevator, and some douche bag has something to say about the fucking weather? Or, you just have an ugly chick complaining about her job all the time. Take a look at this scenario:

The Restaurant

Oh, and the restaurant. Stop brining your whiny little kids at upscale restaurants, that’s why they created Wendy’s, go there. Do you know why there’s always a waiting at the restaurants? It’s because people talk too much and eat less. I once overheard, at a fast food Chinese place, two bitches girls talking about world’s problems. Are you fucking kidding me? If you don’t get the fuck up, I’ll create some problems. This other time I heard two dumb black bitches girls talking their lungs out on the phone. People seriously need to learn some manners. There’s people waiting in line to sit down, get the fuck off the table after you’re done eating.

So, why is Sherri Shepherd dumb, besides the fact that I just said she’s dumb? Everyone in the office here is sending this video to everyone and saying how dumb Sherri Shepherd is for saying shit like this. Listen, if the dumb bitches here in the office think you’re dumb, then you’re definitely DUMB. Here’s what happened: Sherri was asked by Whoopi “somebody please give me a job” Goldberg if the world was flat? And guess what she said? “I don’t know, I never thought about it.” WHAT THE FUCK? You know what’s not flat, bitch? YOU!!! “I think about feeding my child,” she continued. Feeding your child? Is that all that goes through you fucking fat head? Feed Feed Feed. People like you should be outlawed from procreating.

Check out this video, and judge her yourself.

When she was accepted on The View, Sherri posted on her website, “[…] it is a miracle of God that I am now a co-host on The View.” NO SHIT. If it was up to me, you’d still be snorting the white powder.

Get the fuck off of the TV, it’s bitches like these that create stereotypes about fat bitches. This fucking show is a complete fucking embarrassment to the female kind. I hope all of the hosts of The View get eaten by a fucking Vulture and we get to see it live on TV.

Verdict: Sherri Shepherd has been duct taped.